I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
