He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
