My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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