that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
