I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
