She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
