When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
