gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize