drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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