I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
