This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have already put on my inside pants.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
