I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
