Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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