Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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