I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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