well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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