Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
