Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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