My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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