I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize