I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
