I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
