So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
