I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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