a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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