connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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