Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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