i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
