I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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