And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
