I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I can't put those talents on a resume
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
