I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Of course I have a pirate flag
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
