I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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