Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
