Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
