I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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