This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
