So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I party with great urgency now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
