i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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