I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
