Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
