You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
