I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
