I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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