you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
