How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
