True but thats because hes a fetus.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you didnt know i had herpes?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
