i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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