I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
