Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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