The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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