We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
