my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
