My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
