She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize