New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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