I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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