I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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