I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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