I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
