He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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