one word: firstdatebathroomanal
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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