Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize