I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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