she woke up with a sticky ear
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
