Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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