so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
