dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
