i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
